Seems this Cougar Lady who I follow on Twitter has put the cat among the pigeons with her blogpost and assertion that boredom kills more marriages than infidelity does.
Read full post at http://www.therealcougarwoman.com/2011/04/infidelity-isnt-what-breaks-up-marriages-its-boredom.html
I think she's dead right. I even left a comment on her blogpost. The only exception would be that I think there is a condition like serial philanderer - among both males and females- but this is a special case of emotional handicap.
But it begs the question...did people not get bored in previous generations also? And if so, why did they not end their marriages? Or did they simply have affairs? I think its easy to conclude that they simply had affairs, and maybe that was the case for men, but I don't think it was that easy for women of past generations to have affairs. Not socially, morally, economically, emotionally or physically ( the pill wasn't around!)
Even in today's scenario of relative economic, social, moral equality....if you believe that....I still don't think it's easy for a woman to have an affair because of emotional reasons. We are simply wired for bonding with one mate....the father of our children, or the potential father of a future child (eg a lover) . All the pheromones triggered by sexual intimacy is designed for attachment. So even if a woman should have an affair, it's usually about forming a new attachment, as opposed to just a roll in the hay for a physical release.
Beyond physiology, economics and chemistry, there are significant environmental, social and technological changes that compound the challenges of keeping relationships intact.
Today, the biggest "quick fix" for boredom is at people's fingertips. The World Wide Web and the mobile phone puts instant gratification in the palm of your hand.
Sites full of other "bored" people in search of a bit of spice- something better than they've got- are everywhere. It's easier than EVER to spice up your dreary existence, virtually or in person. Excitement and "forbidden thrills" are a mere few clicks away. The files of relationship counsellors are bulging with great relationships destroyed by internet dalliances - some fleeting and once-off, others a downward spiral of addiction.
See images below. Even these scenarios can be boring....if they become a pattern! Online porn and serial dating is BORING when its just a repeated pattern of one-dimensional flesh stripped bare of mystery, intrigue and rich and meaningful interaction.
But boredom need NOT be fatal nor permanent. It's not a reality if you choose to replace it with a new reality. It's simply a pattern that people get trapped in.
I repeat: Boredom is a pattern, not a fatal reality!
So, if patterns and predictability are a recipe for boredom, then there must be a way to pattern-interrupt?
Yes, the anti-thesis to boredom lies in nurturing the opposite. Nurturing mystery, uncertainty, curiosity, unpredictability, seduction.
""Uncertainty and mystery are energies of life. Don't let them scare you unduly, for they keep boredom at bay and spark creativity.”- RI Fitzhenry
Men and women of the world....keep the mystery alive...have separate bathrooms, don't reveal all, play games, write letters, light candles, book hotel rooms, do dress-ups, be mischievous, make effort, pretend you are having an affair...with your own partner. Lure them into a fantasy world.
Ignite those flames. It can be done if you don't leave it too long. By the time you have to bridge the Grand Canyon it may be too late, so start when you spot the first crack!
Don't think so.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that quickly becomes evident on the dating sites is that the vast proportion of the people are the same, so the "boredom" is just moved horizontally.
Finding those people who really have greater depth is a pleasant, and expansive element. It is, perhaps, the saving grace of on-line dating .. and it desperately needs a saving grace.
Two elements come into play with boredom:
(a) self (b) other.
I know that in my lifetime I will never do all of the things I like to do upto the depth I would like, so "being bored" is often about re-defining self.
Boredom with a partner is more complex, and multi dimensional.
Without proposing any solutions..for now .. I doubt that many partners have the same sexual response to their partner after years of monogamy. If they do ... I wonder what the range of their life sexual experiences are.
THat is a topic in itself.
Hmmm...there are many reasons t stay married. Most of them have nothing to do with sex. But if you choose to stay married for one or more of these other reasons....it is possible to kindle seductive flames...if you choose to. I think the secret is to do it before the Grand Canyon is established!
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