I have vivid recollections of my first date as a newly single 40-year old mum, and it wasn't dissimilar to what Dawn French describes in this video. Watch the whole thing or fast-track to around 1 min 20 secs.
Nine years have passed since that first date, and it doesn't get any easier...lol....every time you meet someone new you have to confront "That Moment" - and get through it and beyond it! And if a woman of Dawn French's confidence struggles, is it any surprise that the rest of us feel adrift at sea in these moments?
From a middle-aged female perspective raised with values of "not being an "easy" girl" and waiting for him to ring and initiate the chase, you arrive at the end of the date, and you don't know where you stand. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't make an obvious move, and you are left feeling very vulnerable. So, instead of the akwardness of "THAT MOMENT", you close up. You self-protect by getting very practical, platonic and functional- even if your insides are screaming "Kiss me now you bastard".
I am sure if you are a newly-single middle-aged male, this is even more frightening because YOU are the one expected to make that move! And no-one wants to be romantically rejected! And in the absence of strong and obvious clues from your female date, avoidance would be a most appealing alternative action.
It's supposed to be easier when we are older and more experienced, but it's actually harder for a whole host of new reasons. We don't have the confidence of youth, many of us have scars from a relationship that faltered after many years for whatever reason, and we are certainly not in the same shape we used to be! Its also easier to withdraw back into the cave after a few less than spectacular dates, because our biological sexual drive is not firing as strong to overcome rejection as it does when you are in your teenage years!
Id be interested to hear: How do YOU handle THAT MOMENT? Any tips we could share here with others?
Agree dating when you are not so young is hard and can be frustrating, not knowing where you stand, should I hold her hand and kiss?? Is it too forward no signals have been given or received. Why is it that the man has to take the lead? Is it because ladies are programmed and they will be seen seen as easy. I would have thought in this day an age and being mature adults we are all equal. NiceGuy2077
ReplyDeleteDear Nice Guy, I think you are partially right. It's a generational thing- based in the prevailing values and social mores that dictated social conduct in the era that people were raised. Values are laid down in layers and layers and layers of invisibible ink imprinted on so many facets of our lives through our childhood socialisation by our parents, families, media, movies etc. Today's kids don't seem to run by much the same code- they are much more equal. To the point of being multi-gendered! But that doesnt mean that middle-aged people can just discard their sexual identity and patterning as if it's a cloak. Its like a stain that has not been washed out in 30 years. You may get it lighter with repeated washes, but remove it? Unlikely!
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